I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
