just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
