I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
