Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
