dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
