The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
