i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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