if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
as a side note pls kill me
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
