Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
