The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
