I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
