i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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