It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
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Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
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One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?