u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Man, jail baloney is awful.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
