you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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