highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
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the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Maybe he injected his testicle?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"