I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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