You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
