If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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