And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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