My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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