when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
