Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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