So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
