so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
