K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We don't watch enough power rangers
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
