The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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