I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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