you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize