Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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