Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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