Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
