Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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