We named our party play list daddy issues
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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