you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
