Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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