She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
