2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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