So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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