i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
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MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
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I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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