I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
