I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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