I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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