I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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