Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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