i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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