mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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