I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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