its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
