Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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