I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
