I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
