I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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