yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
