dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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