In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
