I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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