as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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