he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
