I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
